Monday, January 28, 2019

this is straight up just a list of music artists that i like please judge me for my tastes

The title says it all, except for that I'll also mention the best album by each artist (or track depending on their discography)

  • 6ix9ine ~ DUMMY BOY
  • ABBA ~ The Album
  • Andrew Jackson Jihad ~ Knife Man
  • Aminé ~ ONEPOINTFIVE
  • Bill Wurtz ~ Mount St. Helens Is About to Blow Up
  • Bloodhound Gang ~ One Fierce Beer Coaster
  • C418 ~ Minecraft - Volume Alpha
  • Cal Chuchesta ~ Advice
  • The Chats ~ Get This In Ya!
  • Childish Gambino ~ Because The Internet
  • Danny Gonzalez ~ Beef With Me
  • Eminem ~ The Slim Shady LP
  • Epic Rap Battles of History ~ Steven Spielberg vs Alfred Hitchcock 
  • FrankJavCee ~ FrankJacCee Collection, Vol. 1
  • Gorillaz ~ Demon Days
  • Green Day ~ American Idiot
  • Hot Dad ~ TV
  • Insane Clown Posse ~ The Great Milenko
  • Kendrick Lamar ~ DAMN.
  • Kero Kero Bonito ~ Bonito Generation
  • Kevin Lynch ~ It.
  • Korn ~ Korn
  • Lemon Demon ~ Spirit Phone
  • Lil Dicky ~ Professional Rapper
  • Lil Pump ~ Lil Pump
  • Lindsey Lomis ~ Chapter I
  • The Lonely Island ~ Incredibad
  • Marilyn Manson ~ Antichrist Superstar
  • Modest Mouse ~ Good News For People Who Love Bad News
  • Ninja Sex Party ~ Cool Patrol
  • The Offspring ~ Americana
  • Planet Booty ~ FUTURESWEAT
  • Pogo ~ Ascend
  • The Protomen ~ Act II: The Father of Death
  • Rob Zombie ~ Hellbilly Deluxe
  • Rusty Cage ~ Gangstalkers, Vol. 4
  • Schaffer the Darklord ~ Sick Passenger
  • Ski Mask the Slump God ~ BEWARE THE BOOK OF ELI
  • Skyhill ~ Skyhill
  • Starbomb ~ Player Select
  • Sublime ~ Sublime
  • System of a Down ~ Steal This Album!
  • Tenacious D ~ The Pick of Destiny
  • TWRP ~ 2nite
  • An Unkindness ~ 4 Songs
  • Weezer ~ The Red Album
  • Weird Al Yankovic ~ Straight Outta Lynwood

The Steps Required to Enjoy a Nice Album

If you can sit down in a chair and listen to a 45-75 minute long album and do nothing else, you are no good in my opinion. I'm pretty sure that's one of the signs of being a sociopath. Anyways, you're going to want to set up for a good album listening. For myself, I usually just listen to one while I'm taking a walk or doing some other mindless task, and that's just no good, so I need to fix my terrible habits. Listening to music while walking around is only good for things you are familiar with, not with things you wish to experience. Here's a quick guide to fixing yourself (and myself) and get the most out of your listening experience.

1. You're going to want to find a nice comfortable place. As I said earlier, don't sit in a chair. There are many better places to choose from: The floor, your bed, the top shelf of a high bookcase. A personal favorite of mine is the corner of my room. It's right next to the door, so if it opens I will be smacked in the face with it. You get some pillows, a blanket, and the fan. Turn the fan on the lowest setting, cover yourself with the blanket, and now you have a fun little tent that you can lie down in or whatever. Be creative with your area.

2. Get something to fiddle with. I don't care what. A rubik's cube, a pocket knife, a couple strands of hair. Whatever you want. You will get bored while listening to the album, or at least your hands will, so keep your hands active by fiddling with something, or you may end up pulling up the carpet in your room, which is no good.

3. This is the final step, and it is the most important. Listen to something good. I don't care what you count as good, as long as it is good music in your mind, I'm happy. Don't listen to things you don't want to. I once tried listening to something I knew I wouldn't like, my disappoint was immeasurable and my day was ruined. The album was something that is generally seen as good, and I was allowing myself to fall for it. The album was Pink Floyd's The Dark Side of the Moon. I didn't enjoy it. On the other hand, if I were to listen to a nice fun time album that I actually enjoy or know that I will enjoy, such as a Pogo, Korn, or ABBA record would all be preferable to me, even though they are all vastly different. Listen to what you want to, and don't let other people tell you that you have to like something just because they do.

The Best Holiday


February is beginning soon, and you know what that means...

GROUNDHOG DAY

If you don't know me, Groundhog Day is my favorite holiday just because it's a beautiful amalgamation of superstition, chunky animals and men with silly hats. The beautiful big boy shown in the above image is Punxsutawney Phil, named after the town the holiday takes place in, Punxsutawney, PA. I have had many people tell me that my boy Phil is a bit of a "fatass" and I have to say, that is rude. He is not fat, he is phat, as in I love him very much and if you say such crass about him again I will be forced to throw his beautiful body at you.

What they do on this day of February 2nd is fairly simple: Get Phil out of his hole and let him look around for a few seconds. The President of the Inner Circle (currently Bill Deeley), talks to Phil for a second and Phil lets him know the details on his shadow seeing business. If Phil says that he did, in fact, see his shadow that means there will be six more weeks of winter, but if he has not seen it, there will be an early spring.

There was a silly movie based on the holiday, starring Bill Murray. The movie is pretty good, Murray (named Phil just for fun) is a weatherman who is sent to Punxsutawney to get that groundhog on camera. The next morning, he wakes up, and guess what. It's February 2nd again and now he's stuck in Groundhog Day forever, until he learns to be a better man. What a heartwarming story. A Broadway musical was also made about it, but I try not to talk about that one too often, even though it's pretty good.

Y'all better be celebrating this great holiday when it comes around in a couple of days, because I know I will.

Thursday, January 24, 2019

How I Learned To Stop Worrying

SAT-IRE

[ˈsaˌtī(ə)r]

NOUN
  1. the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

In my English class, we are being taught about satire, and that's all well and good. I don't mind it much because I quite enjoy what we're doing with it, y'know, watching a video or reading an article and then explaining why it is satire and what it is satirizing. As you know by this point, I am the #1 Movie Boy™, and I watch a couple of them a week. I believe during the winter time during my eighth grade school year, I watched the film Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb. I had recorded it on my DVR at our old house, and I watched it over the course of several days while getting ready in the morning for school. When I finally finished it, I thought it was the most hilarious thing I had ever seen. The abruptness of the ending just really got me and I can't really explain why.

After a bit of "research" I found that this film is known as a "Political Satire" on the topic of the Cold War and the looming threat of nuclear warfare. Now, in the year 2019, I'm pretty sure we're in another Cold War, Cold War II if you will. I'M OVER HERE FLINGING ZINGERS ALL OVER THE PLACE, I AM A COMEDIC GENIUS YOU CANNOT STOP ME. I'm sorry for that outrageous outburst of outlandish proportions. But the movie is a satire on that whole situation. I am against remakes a reboots that are unneeded, but I think a Strangelove remake could be a fun idea. Maybe change around some stuff, so that it doesn't seem like a straight up full on remake but instead a beautiful reimagining of Red Alert by Peter George, the original novel the film is based on. 

As previously said: Many sequels, reboots and remakes feel disgusting to me, especially Pixar, who revel in their "original" films while in past years all of their movies have been sequels to already established films in their productions. A remake for Strangelove does make me feel good. I would love that to be a thing. xoxo gossip girl.

Tuesday, January 22, 2019

The Ultimate Showdown (Of Ultimate Destiny)


The video can be found here

"The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" is a song released in 2005 by indie artist Lemon Demon, better known as Neil Cicierega. It was also released on video hosting platforms at the time of it's creations, most notably on NewGrounds for it's popular flash music video (shown above). This video features animations by Shawn Vulliez and Cicierega, and it is among one of my favorite videos online.

The video starts with "Godzilla just hoppin' around Tokyo City like a big playground", introducing our first fighter, kaiju monster Godzilla, until Batman comes out of the shadows, making his entrance known by throwing a Bat-Grenade at him. As Godzilla goes to attack Batman, Shaquille O'Neal blocks him and unleashes a can of Shaq-Fu, just for Aaron Carter, singer of the hit single "That's How I Beat Shaq", and start beating him up. Carter and Shaq and then promptly run over by the Bat-Mobile, and as the vehicle is making it's way back into the Bat-Cave, Abraham Lincoln comes backs from the dead and takes out an AK-47 from his hat, mortally wounding Batman. Right when Lincoln runs out of bullets, Optimus Prime shows up and scares him off. This is just the first verse.

Godzilla and Optimus Prime begin fighting, with Godzilla taking a large chunk out of the robot's side, Cicierega explains that it is the same way Scruff McGruff, the Crime Dog, would take a bite out of crime. Shaq comes out of a short coma after being ran over and tries to join back in the fight, and Jackie Chan leaps onto his back. Abraham Lincoln chases a wounded Batman with a machete he also pulled out of his hat, until he is tripped by Indiana Jones' whip. Godzilla then tried to sneak up on Indiana, but Batman had stolen his gun and shot it at him, only for him to miss and almost hit Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan and Abraham Lincoln both tried to jump at Optimus Prime at the same time so the both collided and were hit by a Care Bear Stare.

Just to date the song, a bridge comes on that describes the strongest man alive at the time, Chuck Norris. During his introduction he, 1) kicks Indiana Jones so hard in the crotch that all of his bones shatter, and 2) basically murders Batman by crushing his head between his thighs.

Suddenly a barrage of characters come out to stop Norris, including: Gandalf (The Grey and The White) from Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Italian dictator Benito Mussolini, the Blue Meanie from Yellow Submarine, Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie from Pee-Wee's Playhouse, Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk and Spock from Star Trek: The Original Series, Darth Vader from Star Wars, Lo-Pan from Big Trouble in Little China, the original superhero, Superman, all 150+ Power Rangers, Bill and Ted from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Doctor Octopus from The Amazing Spider-Man comics, and Hulk Hogan. They all "Beat Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass". After apparently another century of fighting, the winner was finally reigned. The only person to survive the years upon years of war, was Mr. Rogers, who immediately kills himself afterwards.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

Top Ten Movies That I Was Forced to Watch

As many of you may know at this point, I am a writer. It must sound surprising, but yes, I do enjoy doing a pencil-to-paper from time to time, so I thought it would be a good idea to go to school for it, and that's exactly what I did. As with most schools, we've been forced to witness multiple movies, some I enjoyed, some I have not. Today, I will be taking films that I've watched in school and ranking them on my own, truly terrible, bias, in a top-ten-based format. I do not remember most movies I have watched in school, and this will only be ten of them, so this will not be a complete list, just what comes to me while writing. Some of these films are educational, some are just that we watched them at the end of the year because there was no more lesson plans and the teachers didn't know what to do.

10. Frozen

My sixth grade class watched this film about a year after it came out, and it was the first time I had seen it. The year was 2014 and all the buzz and hype about Frozen was straight up gone from existence. All of my classmates had previously seen the film, and my best friend (at the time) told me that his twin sister owned and watched the movie about once a week. I couldn't believe it. Whatever this movie was about some girl that has ice powers must be good. I watched it, and I enjoyed it, of course it wasn't all I had hoped for based on all the astounding reviews of it. It gains a spot on this list because it was fun to see all the girls in my Social Studies class burst into "Let it Go".

9. Captain America: Civil War

I don't agree with this film being played in a school. I have been forced to watch it four times in my life, the first in the theater with my father, second in seventh grade math class, third during a MCU marathon with my father, and fourth in my eighth grade English class. So I have watched it twice in school. This brings up a problem to me, I have nothing against the action or violence or even the multiple uses of shit and bitch, but the fact that they would play movie that takes place in the middle of a series without also showing the other films. How dare they assume that every child being forced to watch the movie isn't seeing spoilers for a movie that they had not seen yet. They could have at least shown the first Captain America movie, as it has little to do with previous films in the series, but no, they had to show the movie that gives spoilers for basically every previous film in the franchise. It just pisses me off that they would do something like that, but nonetheless, I'm giving Captain America: Civil War a spot on the list because I think that it is a well put together movie and it is enjoyable the watch, not necessarily on the fourth time though.

8. Sugar

I watched Sugar fairly recently, about a few months ago in my Spanish class, and I thought it was pretty good. I knew some people who hated the movie, and I just didn't get why they wouldn't like it. It certainly doesn't seem like a movie I'd like, I mean, it's about sports and I just have never been able to get down with those. There was something about the story that really grabbed me and I'd like to watch it again. Of course, there were some things that I didn't like, such as every time there was a shirtless guy my friend would look at me and say, "Oooh, Joseph, look at that big man," as a way to make fun of me, as he does it during every movie we watch together where a nude man is present. Thanks friend. 

7. High School Musical

Viewed in elementary school. I'm not completely sure about the year but I remember it fairly well. It is not an amazing movie by a long shot. but it certainly had some sort of effect on me. There is almost nothing to say about this movie except that 1) Zefron is a very good man, and 2) High School Musical is a super weird film and I'm not sure if it should be a kids movie.

6. The Great Gatsby

It is certainly not as silly as other films I have watched in school, it's more of a drama than anything else. I also watched it just a few months ago, and I must say it was not the Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire edition, much to the dismay of me and my classmates, but the 1974 one that's definitely less jazzy. An enjoyable film all around, even without Leo and Tobey having fun, the other guys were cool with their homoerotic sexual tension too I suppose.

5. Aladdin

Aladdin is my favorite animated Disney flick. I watched it in elementary school, once again not knowing exactly what year it was, but I know I did watch it in school. I haven't watched it in a few years, so the only things I really remember are those good-good songs that pop up. "Friend Like Me", "Prince Ali", "One Jump Ahead". All the songs are truly beautiful bangers that I can get down with at most times of the day, except for while I'm sleeping. I can't jam out to music while I sleep.

4. Jumanji

Pretty funny film where Robin Williams plays a little boy that fell inside the board game of the same name, Jumanji. Of course. this situation probably won't happen to any real boys & girls as they try to play their favorite board games, but who knows, maybe one day I'll be sitting in a chair playing Monopoly with all my fun friends and I'll be transformed into the thimble. I'd totally get down with playing some Jumanji, but I would most certainly die before the end of the game, I wouldn't be able to deal with all those big ass spiders.

3. Hook

Robin Williams, once again, breaks into this list for the third time and now he's in another fantasy realm as some sort of wacky tacky Peter Pan movie thing. Big fan of this one. I watched it in eighth grade and it was totally not the first time I saw it. Hook featured some wacky things happening and I'm not sure if anything about the movie is legal, unless it's a Disney product, in which case, completely legal and I'm not going to jail for owning it.

2. Stranger Than Fiction

I also watch this one very recently, just last week in fact, and I love it. I had heard a lot about it but I never really knew what it was about, when I was a boy, a little boy, I used to think that Stranger Than Fiction and Pulp Fiction were the same movie because they both were for adults and they both had fiction in the title. This is, of course, a clear misjudgment on my part, as to me, 'for adults' meant boring. I thought Pulp Fiction, now one of my favorite movies, was boring when I first heard of it. What the hell was wrong with me. Besides my idiotic viewpoint as a lil' baby boy, Stranger Than Fiction was a silly little film that might have made me cry at the end.

1. Blackfish

Okay, okay, okay, okay. I know what you're thinking. "Really Joseph, a biography is the best thing you've ever watched in school?" well here's the answer. Yes, it it. Now you shut up and listen to me. I watched the film halfway through my eighth grade year and it was just an amazing experience to behold. I don't know why the teacher thought it would be good for us to watch, but y'know, it happened, and I'm glad it did. It showed me things that I hadn't seen before. Those were real things that happened in that movie, and it showed it. I saw death in school and it was because of an animal. I hate documentaries, but this one just makes me so emotional and excited and just... amazed in general that it had to be number one. If you disagree, good. If you think I'm an unstable human being because I'm fascinated by seeing death, okay, cool, I just think that it's interesting. Come fight me loser, I am Spartacus.

Thursday, January 17, 2019

My Favorite Boy


https://theredlist.com/wiki-2-24-525-527-765-view-1990s-3-profile-johnny-d.html
On June 9, 1963 people were born. I'm sure a lot of people were born on this day, but there was one man that I just adore. If you are familiar with my previous works or know me in real life, it is no surprise who I am speaking of. He is a world famous actor and musician. He is the greatest boy, hence the title. He is Johnny Depp.

His career started his acting career in 1984 with the film A Nightmare on Elm Street, the first installment into the slasher series, as Glen, the final girl's friend/love interest. After that he was put into the film Platoon as Lerner. From this point on I must apologize, because I may not have enough knowledge of the films he was in, as I have not seen some of them, or have no watched them in many years, and their memories have drifted away from me. That is the case with Platoon, I have not seen it, and at this point I have no plans to, that is my own flaw. This is also the case with Cry-Baby, where I have not seen it but my basic knowledge is that he plays a greaser of some sort, presumably named Cry-Baby, and I believe they sing in it, but Depp's voice is replaced with a professional singer in those scenes.

Now for the next film, Edward Scissorhands, I have seen, so I know that he plays the title character, a man with some pretty big scissors in the place of hands, and he falls in love with Winona Rider. My early memories of watching this film is near the beginning when he accidently pokes a bunch of holes in a waterbed. Truly a hilarious, riveting, and insightful scene into the world of "If you had scissors instead of hands." After that he was in the movie Benny & Joon, which I know nothing about other than that my dad owns it on DVD. Thanks Dad.

After that it was What's Eating Gilbert Grape, with Leonardo DiCaprio (another favorite of mine) as a small child. I watched this movie so long ago, that I remember almost nothing about it, and I'm not about to read a Wikipedia article for it and spoil it if I plan to view in again. Don't @ me. In 1994 he was in Ed Wood, a biographical film about Edward Wood, with Depp as the eponymous character. I have not seen it, and I have wanted to for the past few years, but I cannot find a DVD copy for the life of me, and I'm not about to order a DVD from amazon like some kind of plebian.

He did some other movies that I haven't heard of, whatever, but then Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. You get to see Depp high as hell driving around Nevada or Arizona or something. It's great. After that it was Sleepy Hollow, where he played Ichabod Crane and was trying to solve the whole thing with the Headless Horseman. How terrifying. If I'm remembering correctly the Headless Horseman was played by Christopher Walken, which is honestly a great role for him. It's certainly better than playing Perkins in the disaster that was Nine Lives. Then Depp was in Chocolat, which I own but still have not seen. I think it's a romantic film that incorporates chocolate?

Now that we're officially in the 2000s, Johnny Depp starts it out right by playing notorious cocaine-man George Jung in the film Blow. I watched this one about a year ago, and at this point I think it has become one of my favorite crime films, along with Reservoir Dogs and The Departed. Then, you better look out for this one: Johnny Depp plays in a movie about Jack the Ripper! He doesn't 'play' the serial killer like I would want him to, instead he plays a detective on his trail in From Hell, the title coming from a famous letter sent by the spooky knife man, it's a fun letter, not so much of a fun film.

Badabing, badaboom, now we have Once Upon a Time in Mexico with Antonio Banderas. I hate to admit it but, I have only seen the second half of the movie. It's truly a sad day because I don't know the initial premise, but I do know... other things about the movie but I'm not about to be handing out spoilers for it. Then John-Boy went on to film a pretty well known film, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, and among things I am ashamed of, one of them is that I have never seen a Pirates of the Caribbean film. I think I saw part of Dead Man's Chest and that is the most contact I've had with them. This is one of my greatest sins and I deserve any punishment you deem fit.

SECRET WINDOW. Based on the Stephen King short story Secret Window, Secret Garden. It's about some author and his cool interactions with one fan (btw: they're not cool interactions. they are the opposite of cool. they are warm). Shim Sham Yim Yams, the next film is Finding Neverland, about Johnny Depp falling in love with someone and it might have something to do with Peter Pan? I'm not completely sure. And then there came a film that people don't like for some reason: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I generally enjoy it. I will say that it is not as good as the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory from 1971 but I think both are pretty good. I think the reason people hate the remake so much is because the original is such a beloved classic that the idea of remaking it is weird. And it's not as good at the original. But it's still good. That's all I'm trying to say. The original is good. The remake is good. They are not the same level of good.

Corpse Bride. Depp is in an animated film as some nerd who's wife dies (?) and then they get married in the demon world. Funny Pirate Movie #2 & #3 come out. And then the movie came out. The Movie. You know which one I'm talking about. It is a magnum opus to many creators: Johnny Depp, Tim Burton, Danny Elfman, Helena Bonham Carter and Alan Rickman. I love this movie with all my heart and would watch it every day if I could. It is, of course, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, the greatest horror themed musical I have ever seen, and that is all I will be saying. If you haven't seen it, you will not get information about it from here, and I'd ask that you don't even look it up, it's very important that you just turn it on and let it play.

Some other movies that no one cares about happened after that, I mean, how can you be excited for new movies when the best one was already made? Anyways, he was in a movie about Alice in Wonderland, an animated reptile movie, Funny Pirate Movie #4, a comedy film about vampires, that movie where I'm pretty sure it's racist, a musical where he was in like two scenes of and he's still the best part, an Alice in Wonderland sequel, a movie where people pretend Harry Potter is still relevant, Funny Pirate Movie #5, a remake of Murder on the Orient Express, and finally, his most recent work, another movie where people pretend Harry Potter is still relevant.

My conclusion: With Sweeney Todd being Johnny Depp's magnum opus, his later movies could not live up to it, thus flopping at every turn no matter what the film is about. This only effects the audience, as I'm sure that Johnny still gets a lot more money than I can dream of at this point. Keep getting them fat stacks Mr. Depp, and I'll try to enjoy Fantastic Beasts 3 (That last part is a joke I do not plan to watch the next installment of the series because I have lost all interest).